Breastfeeding Swan Song

Well, here it is. The end of breastfeeding is beginning.

For the past couple of months, Kari hasn't been super into nursing. She's never been much of a comfort nurser to begin with, what with the tongue/lip tie issues in the beginning and her paci addiction (not complaining about that, it helps her sleep through the night). Over the past few months, my letdown has been getting slower to start and Kari's been getting more impatient when she doesn't get milk right away. Now, at 10 months old, she's down to one feeding in the afternoon, one right before bed, and one in the morning. I talked to two different pediatricians about it and they both said that since she's a great eater and gets plenty of solids, it would be okay at this point if she no longer wanted milk.

I wasn't expecting to be sad about this at all. With all the pain and trouble it was at the beginning, I thought I would be relieved once it all ended. I'm not relieved, though. I'm sad. Maybe it's because we worked so hard for this and now that it's finally easy for us, it's starting to end. It might be because I thought we'd have more time. I thought she'd want to nurse until at least 18 months or even 2 years old. I was even considering tandem nursing her and her future sibling (not pregnant yet, just dreaming).

I cried a little when I packed up the pump and all of her bottles. With just the afternoon feed to worry about during the day, I don't really need to pump anymore. My class schedule lets me pick her up by 3:30 when she's due for milk. For a while, I pumped once in the morning along with her afternoon feed because I was afraid she'd want milk during the day again and I wouldn't have enough. I was squirreling all the extra away in the freezer because I was afraid my milk would dry up when she still needed it, even though the pediatrician said not to worry. About a week ago, someone I previously donated milk to messaged me on Facebook asking if I had any extra because she was running low. I wasn't planning on donating and I considered saying no. But I gave her some because being a mom is hard enough without having to worry about where your baby's next meal is coming from. She has a reason to worry. I was worrying for no reason. My baby has enough. Her doctor is okay with her being exclusively fed solids. I'm still producing enough for her needs. She still has an ample supply in the freezer. Once Kari hits the 12 month mark, I'll probably donate the rest of her freezer stash to the mama in need. Her baby needs it more.

That's what helped me decide to stop pumping and stop trying to force our breastfeeding relationship to last as long as I want it to last. Kari wants to be done earlier than I want her to be done. And that's okay. Our connection isn't based purely off of breastfeeding. I know I can count on her for an unlimited supply of baby snuggles and kisses, at least until the moody teenage years hit. But I have to remember that she's growing. She's not a helpless newborn anymore. She's got opinions, likes and dislikes, and a blossoming personality. Also, she's lost that sweet newborn smell. TBH, she smells like a wet dog if I don't use soap on her at least every other day. I'll always love her, though. She'll always be my baby. Wet dog smell and all.